


Dear Cas

by purgatorynightmares



Category: Supernatural
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe - Human, Break Up, Christmas, Diary/Journal, Established Relationship, Letters, M/M, Men of Letters Headquarters, Post The Break Up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-19
Updated: 2014-06-01
Packaged: 2018-01-05 05:13:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,047
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1090009
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/purgatorynightmares/pseuds/purgatorynightmares
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel left just 2 weeks before Christmas. Naturally, Dean was pretty broken up over it, so Sam suggested that he write letters (without the intent to send them) to Cas explaining his feelings. Dean thinks it's stupid, but he goes along with it to stop Sam from bugging him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The First Letter

12/19/13

Dear Cas,

It’s been a week since you left. Sam’s finally getting pissed at me. At least he’s not acting like I’m gonna get mad and shoot him anymore. Anyway, I deserve it. Sam’s the one who suggested this whole diary/fake letter thing. I think it’s stupid and girly, but he thinks it can’t hurt. I’m only doing this to shut him up. Once he gets off my back about it, I’m burning this damn thing. He also said it’s kinda like Dad’s journal. ~~Dad’s journal has all the important stuff about all the monsters he ever killed, Sam wants this to practically be a script for a chick flick going by how he described it, with all those feelings and crap.~~ I think he’s full of shit. Sam says I’m supposed to write down how I feel and I’ll magically be fixed. Thanks Sam. You’re _so_ helpful. I don’t want to write about my freaking emotions, what am I, a girl? I don’t even _think_ about them if I can help it.  Since you left I haven’t gone back to work. Bobby’s been good about letting me stay home, but he says I have to go back on Monday or he’ll drag me in himself. It just doesn’t feel right to do normal stuff and live my life and all that without you here. God, I sound like a girl. ~~But I told you I needed you and I asked you to stay and I just really needed you to stay because I was finally starting to feel okay again but you left and now everything’s crap and I~~  The weather sucks. It keeps snowing and then getting warm and melting into that gross gray slush. ~~Remember that time you tried to make that one weird Canadian food with the syrup and the snow and it got all melty but it was still pretty good?~~  Sam’s leaving on a business trip for a week. Hopefully it won’t start snowing and delay his flight. Part of me wishes he wouldn’t go but being a big gun at a top law firm means responsibility, I guess. What the hell kind of a job makes you leave over Christmas, though? When he leaves, it’ll just be me here. Charlie can’t make it to Christmas, she’s visiting Dorothy’s Aunt and Uncle, but she’ll be back for New Year’s Eve. Kevin is visiting some family that I never knew he had for Christmas, so I’ll just be in this big old bunker all alone. It’s been a long time since that happened, you know?  Even when Sam was in school, I still had Dad. Then after that I always had you. But I guess not, not anymore. So. Just me all alone for Christmas. It’s weird when we made a family so big and then they all are suddenly gone. Everyone else will be back soon, though. I wonder if it’ll be awkward, having a hole in the family, when the rest of us are all back together again. I wonder if we’ll talk about it or if it’ll just be a big elephant in the room and nobody will look me in the eye or tease me to the point where they could potentially piss me off. Have any of them talked to you? I’m pretty sure that Sam was the one who told Bobby, and Bobby told Ellen and Jo, so I guess everyone knows that you’re gone now. Maybe I’ll ask Bobby if I can do Christmas with him and Jo and Ellen this year. If not, at least I’m used to Christmas being crappy. When Sam and I were growing up, Dad never even made an effort to be home in time for Christmas. I usually stole presents for Sam and said they were either from Santa or Dad. By the time he was eight or so, I think he’d figured out that it was just me, but I’d wanted to try to make Christmas as special or “magical” or whatever as I could for him. When Sam was in college I spent my Christmases in any bar that happened to be open for whatever reason, or a party if I couldn’t find a bar, and I’d always get drunk on cheap eggnog and bang some girl and leave bright and early the next morning. Which kind of sucked, I guess. But those years with you, those were the best Christmases. Getting a tree and scrounging for any decorations, giving presents, and kissing under the extremely convenient mistletoe… I’m really gonna miss that. I wonder what you’re doing for Christmas. Is it nice where you are? Is there snow? Are you with Gabe, Anna, Mike, and Luc? With Balthazar? Meg? Or have you already moved on from me and found someone new and started building a new life while I’m stuck here alone? Anyway, I hope you have a good Christmas. I guess I’ve written a lot more than I expected to. Maybe I’ll write again. Maybe not. I probably won’t write until Sam bugs me to again. Hopefully he won’t look at these and try to do some sort of weird Moose psycho-analyzing thing to me. That would suck. God knows I’ll never actually send this to you. I wonder if you’d read it if I did. No one should ever see all of the crap that I’m writing here. I told myself that I wouldn’t get all touchy-feely here, but if no one knows, it can’t really do any harm I guess. I guess if I write it down here no one would know, so that wouldn’t be _too_ dumb of me. ~~Dumb like letting myself lose you. That was dumb.~~ Sam’s coming back in a minute, so I guess I’ll wrap this up now. I guess I’ll just say: I know I talk about how I need you, but I know you need me too and I kind of sucked at being there for you. I’m sorry for that, Cas. I hope your Christmas is good, and that you’re not too lonely. I hope you come back, maybe even in time for Christmas, even though I’m starting to doubt you will.

Until I write in this stupid thing again,

Dean


	2. Merry Christmas, Wherever You Are

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean celebrates Christmas alone for the first time in 6 years.

12/25/13

Dear Cas,

Today’s Christmas. Sam just called, his trip is going fine. He didn’t even bug me to write, I just did because I miss you. God, I feel like a girl saying (well, writing) that. You won’t pick up any of my calls. I guess you just don’t want to hear from me. I wonder what time it is where you are, it’s getting close to midnight here. It doesn’t even matter to me that Christmas is almost over. This was my first Christmas without you in 6 years. Remember our first Christmas? I was dumb and I thought that everything would be perfect for Christmas for a change, but it was so awkward, man.  You had always had a super holy Christmas or whatever, with midnight mass and rosaries. I’d had handmade (or some years stolen) presents and eggnog spiked enough to get me flying as high as Santa. That first year we hardly did anything, remember? I remember the presents the most. I got you a new trench coat- you’d tried to put your old one through the Laundromat when our washing machine was broken, apparently it had been dry clean only. I think at first you didn’t like it, but the new one grew on you. You got me a record machine- you had found all of my dad’s old records in the back of the Impala and figured out that I’d ~~gotten mad and shattered my dad’s  into a million pieces~~ gotten rid of my dad’s record player when he died. That was the first time anybody but Sam had really put an effort into a gift for me. Besides that, Sam came over and made us watch _It’s A Wonderful Life_ because I’d never seen it and you’d never seen any Christmas movies that didn’t show baby Jesus as the main character. It was kinda weird, but it was good. Christmas just kept getting better after that. And now I’m alone again. ~~I almost put up your old nativity set this morning~~. I spent the afternoon with Bobby and Ellen and Jo. They were quiet, like they didn’t want to upset me.  I brought the pie. The bunker is cold and empty. It’s pretty weird. ~~I miss you, Cas. I miss you so much I can’t stand it. I miss you like I’ve never missed anyone else before, and I hope I never have to miss anyone like this again. Cas, are you ever coming home? I feel like a little kid, asking when Mommy was coming home and Dad never answered and then I figured out she wasn’t ever going to come back. I just- I need you.~~ Jo and I played cards for a while, because there was nothing left to do. I know she wanted to watch a movie, but everything reminded me of you. ~~I guess that’s part of the problem, you’ve been part of my life for so long and now everything is connected back to you.~~ I worked again on Monday, and yesterday too. We got in a crappy fuel efficient bright blue Ford that you would have loved yesterday, the owners don’t do anything for that car. What’s the point in owning a car if you ain’t gonna even take care of it? ~~You don’t have a car, I wonder how you’re getting around?~~ I drank too much of Bobby’s eggnog with vodka and Ellen made me wait before coming home, said she was worried I’d get in a wreck. Once I got here I found that old bottle of good Whiskey we’d been saving for a special occasion. I drank nearly half of it. I’m already starting to wish that I hadn’t. I’m drinking coffee now- partially to get prepared for the hangover and partially because I’m so damn tired. Sam just texted and told me to get to bed, he asked if I’d written any more since that first time. I told him no. I don’t know why, I guess I just don’t want to give him the satisfaction of turning me into a pansy. Sorry about that coffee stain on the paper there, I guess I’m even more tired than I thought. I don’t know why I keep saying stuff like that, it’s not like you’ll ever read this. Even if you did, you already know almost all of it. It’s weird how you can know someone for years and know all of their secrets, and be with each other enough that for any possible interesting story, the other person was there, but you still somehow find something to talk about with that person. We were still talking, 2 weeks ago. I thought everything was just fine. I still don’t really know what I did wrong. I think Sam knows but every time I bring it up he just shoots me a bitchface and says I’d get mad. Charlie will be back in a few days, same with Kevin. Sam should be back tomorrow. That should make things a little better, I guess. It’ll be less quiet here I think. Sam will be mad that I got drunk tonight. Well not _drunk_ drunk, you know how well I hold my liquor, but drunk enough that my pen is shaking and I’ll probably throw up at least twice tomorrow morning. Remember the first time you got drunk? Your brothers had cut you off, and you got so mad that you practically drank a whole liquor store. You weren’t a mean drunk ~~like Dad~~  or a happy one like Sam, just kind of silly and ridiculous. Definitely less inhibited. I’m glad your brothers and your dad forgave you for your “sins of homosexuality”. At least you can go to them right now. ~~I tried calling all of your family to see if you were with any of them none of them picked up. I guess you must really be avoiding me.~~ The date at the top of this page says it’s Christmas, but it’s way past midnight now. I guess I should probably be hitting the sack now.

Merry Christmas wherever you are,

Dean

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd wanted to make this longer but it got really late and I'm really tired... Also, sorry my characterization was kind of crappy this chapter, my mind is still stuck on Doctor Who right now. I promise it'll get better- I have lots in store for this fic. Comments, kudos, and bookmarks are all extremely appreciated! Merry Christmas to you all!


	3. I Will Find You Wherever You Are

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's a new year, but Castiel is still gone.

1/25/14

Dear Cas,

It’s been over a month since you left. Sam’s making me write in here. Nothing’s happened, so I don’t know what he wants me to say. New Year’s passed. I wanted to go out to a bar a drink so much that I couldn’t feel anything anymore, but Charlie was home and she’d seen me doing that already for a few days. We went to some sort of LARPing thing. She’s still a queen, I’m her manservant. I remember the time when we went LARPing with Sam and Charlie and you wore tights and no one saw us all afternoon. When Sam finally found us at the end of the day you had leaves in your hair and your shirt was on backwards. Everyone else is back home now, too. Sam’s flight home went well. Kevin came back with four new cello books. That’s all he’s been doing since he got back to the bunker- besides karate. The kid has his black belt- I never thought the damn kid could hurt even hurt a fly. (Sam says you’re not supposed to hurt people in karate. The training is only for self-defense.  Spoilsport.)

Yesterday was my birthday. Sam and Charlie got off work early and came with Kevin to the auto shop. Bobby and Ash had thrown me a surprise party while I was fixing the engine of an old Camaro. Afterwards we all went to the Roadhouse for drinks. Ellen made me pie. ~~I wished you were here. You’d have said something about how the streamers were limp and how it’s “a strange custom to hang colorful bits of thin paper on walls to mark celebrations.” But you weren’t there and no one said anything.~~ Bobby found an old picture of Mom and Dad and framed it for me. Sam, Charlie, Kevin, and Jo all chipped in to get me a computer. Now I don’t have to watch porn on Sam’s laptop. (Speaking of presents, I started working on a car that Bobby gave me almost for free because the owner had crashed it pretty bad. I’m gonna fix it up and give to Sam for his birthday. It’s one of the girly environmental cars, so it’s new, but I think Sammy’ll like it.)

I’m going to call Balthazar and Gabriel in a few days to see if they’ve heard from you. I know you’re pretty pissed and you said you’re not coming back, but I just need to know that you’re safe. ~~Sam says you’re fine and you’ll be back soon. It’s been over a month, I wouldn’t bet on it.~~  I’ve been wonderi

Meg just called. She asked if you were here, said you were at her house for about two weeks a little after the new year, but one night you just didn’t come back. She thought you were coming home, so she gave it a few days. She keeps calling and texting you but you won’t reply. None of your family has seen you since we visited in the summer. ~~When I knew where you were and the weather was warm and we just relaxed and tried to avoid Gabriel’s pranks.~~ No one knows where you are- you haven’t been seen in 5 days. ~~Oh God I hope you’re okay, Cas. I need you to be okay, and I need you to come home. Sam misses you too, everyone does. But they’re all keeping quiet so they won’t make me mad. We’re all going off the deep end. If something happened to you because we couldn’t work things out I’ll never forgive myself. Never, Cas. I need you home and safe with me.~~ I filed a police report, they got mad because we didn’t call right away. Apparently now there’s less chance of finding you. The dude said you probably didn’t want to be found. I don’t think that’s true. They said they’ll “keep an eye out for any leads.” But the damn idiots aren’t searching because technically you’re an adult and you left. I say screw the police. If you’re not back in a few days, I’m coming after you. ~~What if the police are right and you just don’t ever want to see me again? I can’t deal with that.~~ I’ve already got Sam looking into where you might have gone or any reports of anyone matching your description. Please be safe, Castiel. I need you.

I will find you wherever you are,

Dean

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M SO SORRY THAT THIS TOOK FOREVER. I'd kind of lost motivation to write any of my fics. The ending of Nightmares should be coming soon. Also sorry that the chapter title sounds a bit creepy and that the chapter is really short. I'd love it if you'd give me some feedback!


	4. I Hope You'll Be Home Soon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean remembers Sam's birthday and tells new news

5/3/14  
Dear Cas,  
It’s been too long. After you went on a bender, Sam helped me find a private detective that started looking for you. I wish I’d tracked you down myself, but there just wasn’t enough left in me. I’ve had a pretty rough time without you. You missed my birthday, but that’s alright. Sam’s was yesterday. I wish you were here for that. I ended up fixing that eco-friendly car from Bobby up for Sam, he seemed pretty excited. We went for a drive in it today. It’s not nearly as cool as Baby. It does cost a lot less in gas, though. Do you remember his twenty first birthday when we went to that club in Oklahoma and we got him drunk entirely on Purple Nurples? He was so angry his first legal time drinking wasn’t anything more manly! That was the night that he first got with Jess. You were the one that convinced Sam to call her, after I’d gotten him drunk enough. Even though he was just some kid who had her number from some group project, she still came. They went home together that night. I know Sam still misses her. Sometimes he starts to say something about her, and then he’ll just stop midsentence and leave the room. I wonder if I’ll still miss you like that in a few years, if I never find you. I guess it would be different though, I never had to stand by and watch you die without being able to do anything to stop it. I don’t know how he ever recovered from that.  
The private detective that we hired thinks he’s getting close to you, though. He’s followed some sort of trail that has led him to some beach town in Massachusetts. He’s calling again tomorrow once he knows for sure. Dear God, or whoever actually might be out there listening, let it be him. I just need him to come home. I need Cas safe. I guess if you don’t want to come home, you can stay with Meg or someone. I really hope you’ll want to come back, though.  
In two days, I’ll have been sober for two months. When you first left, I was drinking almost as much as I had been when Dad died. After no one could find you I started drinking even more. One night I went out and got drunk enough than I drove the Impala right into a stop sign. I got an earful from Bobby for that. The next day, Sam said you wouldn’t want me to get bad like that again. I haven’t had any alcohol since. I hope you’ll be proud when you come home. Sam says you will be.  
I hope you’ll be home soon,  
Dean

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I promised this would be up last Friday and I'm sorry it's so short but school just got really, really busy and I'm awful sorry!!!


	5. I've Missed You So Much

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The end of this story, for now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the final chapter of this very short story, for now. In the future, I might return with another story because I did enjoy this verse and this format. I appreciate any and all feedback! Thank you all!

5/25/14

Dear Cas,

We just stopped at a little motel outside of Birmingham. Turns out that the private investigator had been right when he thought he found you. There was a whole hostage negotiation situation thing. But we’ve got that all taken care of now and you’re finally coming home. I was so nervous that you weren’t going to want to come back with us, but we talked it out (with a little help from  Sam). ~~I’ll never forget the way you smiled when I told you how long I’ve been sober now. I’m amazed you believed I wasn’t lying, when I can still hardly believe it myself.~~ Apparently you were on your own for about the first week or two you were gone, hitchhiking your way to D.C. to see if you could find enlightenment with the Founding Fathers or something. Around the time we really started looking for you, you’d decided for whatever reason ~~\- but I hope you’ll tell me someday, Cas. I guess you don’t trust me enough right now. But I think we’ll figure out how to be alright again-~~ that it wasn’t worth it and that you were coming home, at least to your brother’s because you weren’t ready to see me yet. But one person who helped you offered to let you sleep in his house one night. Since you had no other options, you accepted. On the ride, you told him why you were there and that you were trying to get back home. Apparently the nice guy who offered you a bed wasn’t so nice and decided to kidnap you. Apparently he also took you way farther south than you thought, instead of east. He tried to call and email and do the whole hostage negotiation thing, but all the info on me is so off the records because of Dad and the whole witness protection thing that all was able to dig up was an email address from 10 years ago and an old phone number, so he sent blackmail to unused accounts which I why I never realized you’d been captured. Apparently the guy didn’t really care about money or anything, I think he just liked the power and was a lunatic. He’s locked up now and there’s gonna be a trial soon, but the Feds stepped in and got so much information on him that there’s no way that he’s going to not do lifetime. I guess you weren’t the only one who he did this to. ~~He had you for 5 months though, Cas. God, what did he do to you? You looked so scared when we found you. That’s something else that I hope you can tell me someday, even though it’ll be hard to hear. Even though I’m pretty sure he abused you in one way or another, you asked to share a bed with me tonight. That’s gotta be good for something, right?~~

Th ~~e~~ weather here in Alabama sucks. It’s almost summer so it’s hot and sticky and just gross. I remember the last time we came to Alabama it was April, so it wasn’t quite so bad. I’d gotten scared because we’d been getting so serious, so I ran off in the Impala. You borrowed one of Bobby’s old cars and chased after me, using information from Sam. By the time you’d gotten to me I was at Gulf Shores. By the time you got me to not act like some sort of scared little kid we’d decided to just stay a week at the beach. You always deny it, but when you get tan like you did that week, you have freckles too. I counted every single one of them. I’m glad that this trip had a happy ending, just like last time.

You’re in the bathroom shower right now, which is why I’ve got out the journal. I think this is the last time I’ll be writing in here for a long time. I’ll never tell him this, but I guess Sam was right. It helped. A little. At least I didn’t have to say my feelings out loud or go see a shrink or anything. But unless Sam somehow turns me completely into a girl I won’t need to write anymore. I think I just heard you turn off the water. I’m putting this away before you get back in here. Maybe I’ll explain eventually, but not yet. I’ve got so much to say to you, but we have the whole ride home for that. And then hopefully forever.

I’ve missed you so much,

Dean


End file.
